name. megan boyle
occupation. columnist for vice.com; seeking employment with trucking company
1. what is your present state of mind?
when i woke i felt panicked about being in the guest room of my childhood house and thought it was because someone else was sleeping in my bed and my parents didn’t know about it. then i felt relieved because i knew i was at my dad’s house, where i lived last summer, and my bed was smaller and against a wall because ‘he just got a new bed for me and i forgot about it.’ then realized i was actually in my mom’s bed at her apartment, then thought ‘why is it so small, am i here because she died’ and felt panicked again. then realized i was actually just in my bed in my room at my mom’s apartment and she was sleeping in her bed. think this was the result of taking 6mg xanax yesterday. have been misplacing objects and doddering around the apartment since waking 30-60 minutes ago.
2. where were you born?
3. where do you live now?
4. where would you like to live?
a place where the temperature is never below ~50 degrees, near a beach and a big city where people mostly speak english
5. do you think you’re interesting?
i don’t think of myself in terms of ‘interesting’ or ‘not interesting.’ recently my truck driving instructor said something about how it’s important to love yourself and i said ‘i don’t love myself, i don’t like or dislike myself, i’m just myself.’ i said something in my book about how if other people didn’t exist i wouldn’t worry if i was interesting or not. feel like other people decide if i’m interesting, not me. i like being around people who act interested in me. sometimes i feel bored with myself and want to be someone else. pretty much any time i’m crying for more than 2-3 minutes i want to be someone else.
6. how is your love life?
usually i stop regularly feeling carefree in relationships after 4-5 months, but i’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 months and he still makes me laugh really hard. we live together. the severity and nature of our fights makes our temperamental differences very apparent to both of us, i think. when i described my relationship dynamic to my mom she said it sounded like the one in ‘blue valentine,’ but when i told that to my boyfriend and we watched the movie (he hadn’t seen it) he said he disagreed with my mom and thought the movie was ‘icky/distasteful,’ but sympathized with the ryan gosling character. then we argued and slept in separate rooms. we are on some kind of vague, pessimistic ‘break’ right now, that…i don’t know. i don’t want to break up. something we have in common is that we’ve both wanted to ‘run away’ from problematic relationships, with the idea that something else will make us happier, but nothing we’ve run away to has made us happier yet. that seems like an important/interesting thing to have in common.
sometimes i think i’d like to be in a relationship with the same person for my entire life. in order for that to happen i’d need to feel consistently surprised by and attracted to the person, but ‘consistent surprise’ seems impossible, and i don’t know how to be solely attracted to just one person. i’d also need to feel a powerful kind of tenderness/empathy towards the person, like they’d need to be the kind of person whose existence would excite me even if i never met them, and that feeling would need to be stronger than the effects of our arguments. i have come tragically close to finding this several times, but arguing/chronic dissatisfaction seems to have taken precedence over the good things. i predict my longest romantic relationship will last less than 2 years.
7. what were you like as a child?
remember spending a lot of time in my room, listening to the ‘cats’ broadway soundtrack and enacting stories with glass cat figurines i collected. would sometimes ‘force’ 1-2 friends to dress up like cats and act out ‘cats: the play’ with me in my basement, and sometimes film this. liked to play ‘orphan’ by myself, where i’d put food items in a basket and do things outside all day because my family had been killed in a war. would frequently pose my hands to look dinosaur-like and talk to them. one time i asked my mom if that was okay for me to do and she said it was, but i think i stopped shortly after that. i made a lot of ‘potions’ and like, rituals, that were designed to make the universe to turn me into a cat or make someone kiss me. from ages 8-12 i recorded 5-10 audio cassettes of myself pretending to host a radio show, 10-15 movies with my family’s camcorder, and made probably 200+ stories/poems/drawings and one ‘novel.’ felt strongly like i wanted aliens to come get me from ages 10-12. my favorite thing to draw were ‘teddy bear crushers,’ which were elaborate machines where teddy bears went through sequences of torture chambers and emerged as cats, dragons, unicorns, or horses. feel like i was ‘well-liked’ in elementary school, ‘widely hated’ in middle school, then went from ‘moderately alienated’ to ‘barely popular’ in high school.
8. what did you eat today?
2 peaches, handful of cherries, coffee
9. have you ever created culture or art?
i’ve done things, yeah. i feel like you can call anything art. considered making a bad joke about yeast infections and bacterial ‘culture,’ but i’ve never had a yeast infection.
10. do you like drinking alcohol or using drugs?
yes, both. i like anything that makes me feel different.
11. what kind of people do you hate?
thought ‘everyone’ but…not really. i don’t like it when people act entitled to things, or think the world owes them something, or say things like ‘i deserve ___/i don’t deserve ___.’ i don’t like it when people talk close to my face or for more than 3 minutes without stopping. those aren’t ‘kinds of people,’ though, those are just things people do that i don’t like. the only times i’ve felt like, consumed by intense frustration are when i’m arguing, but i’ve only argued like that with people i’ve felt close to and very far from ‘hating.’ think i’m more likely to feel indifference than hatred towards anyone.
12. what are your goals, if you have any?
every day i think about how to be skinnier/healthier, but i don’t always do those things. keep trying to think of other goals i have. that really seems like my main goal, skinniness/healthiness. i have like, an idea of wanting long-term success and financial stability from writing, but i think i have a problem with realistically envisioning my life more than 2-4 weeks in the future, so my desire to regularly complete the short-term tasks necessary to attain my long-term goals seems maybe too weak. i honestly don’t know what i want, at all. feel like i’m just barely…something…trying to find something to hold on to.
13. do you have any depressing stories about your life?
some of those things are funny but i felt depressed before i typed them and they were just things happening to me.
14. who are your favorite authors?
here are books/authors i like a lot, have liked everything on this list big time: http://www.goodreads.com/review/list/4887143-megan-boyle
other people who don’t have books yet but whose writing i’ve been enjoying recently: mira gonzalez, david jones, matthew donahoo, marie calloway, victoria trott, david fishkind, rin suzuki, jimmy chen
15.what will you be doing ten years from now?
honestly feel like the world is going to end soon, i think we will all be dead.