unsure; left job at theatre this week to go back to school
1. what is your present state of mind?
vaguely scared/impossibly confident
2. where were you born?
3. where do you live now?
los angeles, california
4. where would you like to live?
In my grandparents’ house in napa
Or above a bakery in paris
When I am old I would like to live in one of the old houses in downtown Sacramento, in Land Park, maybe a brick house next to the 1930s movie theatre.
5. do you think you’re interesting?
I see how a certain type of person would be interested in me, yeah. Or how people could latch on to a few specific personality traits and be somehow intrigued. There are some people who I want to be impressed by me, and some people who I want to fall in love with me, and I usually try to curate a version of myself for them that includes all the cool, cold parts and leaves out the rest. This usually only lasts for about two weeks until I start doing things like telling my therapist ‘no one knows the REAL ME’ and relating too heavily to, like, Vivien Leigh.
6. how is your love life?
Currently texting the boy I was in love with in high school.
I went on a few dates last week/the week before, with someone I met riding his bicycle between the theatre and my train stop. I liked spending time with him because he dressed well and had amusingly animated facial tics/body movements. I asked if he noticed how easy he was to imitate, like, I bet him that if I gathered a group of his friends and started doing his silly marionette movements everyone would say “Yeah that’s Matthew.” He didn’t agree.
7. what were you like as a child?
Overall: classic INFP personality type, thoughtful in group situations but very animated one-one-one or in a performance-based setting
Until age 5 I liked to look at glittery nail polish and sometimes put it on but feel it was prettier in the bottle. I liked dinosaurs and would tell people I was born knowing 50 dinosaur names by heart. I thought Halloween was a holiday created specifically for me. I lived by a meth house but didn’t know it. I felt bad for the ants in my backyard and tried to feed them. My favorite movie soundtrack was a toss-up between Footloose and The Big Chill, both on cassette.
Until age 10 I read every book of Greek mythology in the library, was overweight but did not know it, wrote a lot of stories (generally fantasy), had a best friend who thought my stories (generally fantasy) were possibly true, felt a constant need to observe/be aware of my surroundings and the people around me.
Until age 18 I went to Catholic school.
Between 12 and 14 I was anorexic and began to experience signs of depression and anxiety. I was the best altar server at the Catholic school. I got to light the bonfire for the Easter Vigil. I would plan out spending days waking up at 6 and reading about a saint and drinking tea, then running 5k, then going to school. I never fulfilled these plans. I played the trumpet and the guitar. I had no idea I was sad.
At age 14 my best friend came back from overseas and was hospitalized for eating disorders. I sat on her floor waiting to see if she’d die. It was an oddly scientific worry.
At age 18 I dyed my hair purple and lost my virginity and edited the school newspaper and was incredibly happy.
8. what did you eat today?
2 starbucks pumpkin lattes
a citalopram and a birth control pill
ricotta ravioli w/marinara via my mom
chopped-up avocado w/red wine vinegar
9. have you ever created culture or art?
I think that the ways people define those terms are really interesting. Like, when I say ‘art,’ or that ‘this thing is ART,’ I’m not sure that I automatically mean that the aforementioned thing is art outside of that particular context and purpose.
10. do you like drinking alcohol or using drugs?
Feel inadequate because I get no ‘drug-result’ from taking alprazolam, given off-balanced serotonin levels.
I enjoy being drunk. I mean this in a negative, I prefer-being-drunk-than-sober-and-would-prefer-to-be-drunk-at-any-given-moment way.
I like good wine.
I like the smell of marijuana more than I like to smoke it.
I am afraid of heroin.
11. what kind of people do you hate?
Andy Moreno, mostly.
12. what are your goals, if you have any?
To have a photo in Vanity Fair where I’m wearing a prom dress and drinking a diet Red Bull followed by a story saying “For all of her cynicism and bluster, Megan Lent’s writing works because of its deep rooting in humanity” and “Lent arrives in blue jeans and a paint-splattered T-Shirt, apologizing for being late. ‘I had to pick up my boyfriend Aaron Paul from the airport,’ she explains.”
13. do you have any depressing stories about your life?
Have spent multiple evenings watching clips of The Fox and the Hound and crying loudly until my face became covered in mucus and I fell asleep.
14. who are your favorite authors?
Most books I have liked are written by people who, if I saw their names on someone else’s ‘favorite authors’ list, I would attack. This is because there are few writers whose entire body of work I feel ok with calling ‘my favorite.’ I like pretty much everything I’ve read from Frank Hinton and Gabby Gabby (I can read most things by ‘alt lit’ female writers and like it, I think.)
My all-time favorite short stories are “Where Are you Going, Where Have You Been” by Joyce Carol Oates and “Welcome to the Monkey House” by Kurt Vonnegut. I have read every book by John Steinbeck. I think The Great Gatsby is a flawless work. Four Douglas Coupland books, four Brett Easton Ellis books, two Chuck Palahniuk books, two Cormac McCarthy books, one Jennifer Egan book, and one Katherine Dunn book are near my bed and I feel inclined to disclose that I loved them all. My favorite playwright is Tom Stoppard. I wish I could write like Kitty Pryde. But also Stephen Malkmus. And Leonard Cohen.
15.what will you be doing ten years from now?
i can’t picture that sorry